My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
