Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
