At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
