My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
