and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
