member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
