The maid of honor just puked.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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