Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
