Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
