nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
