OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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