I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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