waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
