Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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