I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
