There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize