mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize