If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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