I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
