I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
