Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
