Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Terrible idea I love it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
