Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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