1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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