I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
