My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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