walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
