just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
