I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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