if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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