he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
