I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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