quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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