im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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