Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
