this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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