Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
