This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
