the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
