Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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