My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
