I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
