meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
