just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
