I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No I am not eating basil off your cock
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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