i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
