god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
