The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
