Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
