I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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