turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
