shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
