Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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